August 12, 2016

What’s your calling? A testimony on how I found mine.

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My little testimony on finding my calling:

We all have a calling. We all have something pulling on our thoughts and our heart. A fire that burns inside you, waiting for you to let it spread like wildfire. This calling will utilize your talents and can be something only you are good at. Oh sure, there are other people that can do this calling as well, but you have your own spin on it. You make it special in your own way. A calling is something God has made you to do. He wove you together just for this reason. He puts this longing in your heart, because it is what He wants you to do. I have been searching for this calling my whole life — until recently. I had ignored the desires of my heart out of fear of failure, fear of rejection and fear of humiliation. I was listening to the enemy and not following in faith.

When I was 18, I was in college accomplishing my first college degree; I had to take writing classes. I hated writing. I’m terrible at punctuation and spelling. I’ve never mastered sentence structure and I am just terrible at using a wide and extensive vocabulary. I have always felt self conscious of my writing skills and feel I will never be good enough for anyone to want to read my writings. I went to a high school where I fell under the radar and so did my writing skills. (I of course didn’t realize how important this was, until my writing was about to be published on the internet. Wake up call!)  I took writing because I had to; it was mandatory. Believe me, I tried every avenue to escape this personal hell I had to endure. Through my Bachelor’s and Master’s degree, I self-consciously wrote my way to graduation day. Somehow, I made it and the professors didn’t mock me and I got good grades, so I must not be that terrible, right? 😉

Let’s jump back a little, I have a secret though, in high school I had kept writing journals and never told a soul. I wrote stories of long lost lands and girls that were rescued from their evil step moms (possibly because I was trying to rewrite my own story). I wrote stories of other worlds, and love stories where the princess found her prince and everyone lived happily ever after. All of them had predictable chick flick happy endings, of course.

But back then, there was no spell check and my hand writing atrocious. The scribbles, misspellings and random made up stories made me terrified to tell a soul of my little hobby. This was my secret hiding place, a place to call my own that no one could touch or ruin with their opinions. This was something I could control in my world of chaos; I felt safe and secure. Really, it was my coping mechanism. I would love to say I still have these precious journals, but in my 18 year old fit to escape my parents reigns, I threw them away when I moved out. Unfortunately, they were thrown out along with a lot of other precious childhood items I wish I would have kept. But the desire to write and use my imagination never left me. I continued to write, but this time it was just my prayers. I wrote to my hearts content the desires and longings of my heart. I cried out to God through my writing. I pleaded for my greater purpose to be shown; all the while He was molding me for my calling.

On the first day of my college writing class, I was sure I couldn’t have been more nervous. I was terrified to have professor read my writings. How would I survive the humiliation? Well, that ended up being the least of my problems. In this particular class, once you wrote a paper you had to submit it to another class mate for peer review — I officially was living my own 18 year old version of hell. Humiliation was on the horizon. Let’s be honest, from 13-18 years old humiliation is really the worst thing our young inexperienced minds can imagine, for the typical teenager.  Surprisingly, the feedback was awesome and I survived this class. But one thing happened in that class that has changed me forever.

The very liberal, democrat, feminist and opinionated professor (I am saying this from my 18 year old opinionated self ) told us to write a piece to try to sway others opinions about a subject we are passionate about. Something that is pushes our comfort boundaries and will be sure to rise a debate in class.  I knew immediately what I was supposed to write about. I went home that night and prayed; I asked the Lord to provide me with any other subject. “Please don’t make me write about this one thing weighing on my heart,” I pleaded in prayer. But it was useless, God was laying this subject on my heart, because he was using me to change Slide2hearts. I knew if I wrote about this subject my grade would suffer and I would face humiliation — or so I thought. But God encouraged me and I wrote about a very touchy subject… abortion. I wrote a paper defending the helpless babies. This paper was written from the depths of my soul. This was God’s work, He gave me the words to write. I wish I still had this paper to share.

I prayed and I typed. I typed and I prayed. 2 days later I turned in this paper. I was shaking and terrified. The next day, she told me I was to read this paper in front of the class. I was the only one she asked to do this. I was sure I was going to be a martyr.  I read the paper and I even cried a little bit. I was pleading to their hearts and minds to change their opinions. This was my chance to make a difference. I prayed I would not mess it up.

She stood up and in front of everyone told them how she was excepting this paper to be another “right-sided conservative bull-shit paper” (her words, not mine!). Paraphrasing, she said she was expecting to not like it and to not have her opinion swayed. But then she surprised everyone,  she said she had never read anything that made her doubt her opinion on the matter, and though her opinion was not changed —yet— that she would be taking a serious look into the subject and wanted to rethink her stance. GOD IS GOOD!!!
I went home and knew, God wanted me to write and that is how he will use me for His Glory.

Of course life happened and I’ve dabbled in writing and let my fear lead my decisions. However, I have been on a recent quest to find my true calling and figure out who I am. All through this, God has been pushing to open back up my beautiful teal laptop and continue writing and blogging, for Him. So here I am, again. Feeling like I am failing my way through life and trying my hardest to please God and use my talents for His glory.  My talent is not punctuation, spelling and sentence structure, my talent is touching others hearts and giving encouragement. That is what God is using. It has taken awhile to feel confident in that calling, but i am finally able to see myself how God sees me. A beautiful person, working everyday to be better and using my talents for Him.

Find your calling

The moral of this story is, God is using my biggest weakness for His greatest glory. He is challenging me to face my fears and to accomplish huge dreams that I have not allowed myself to dream. I would never in a million years have imagined myself writing, to the public…for fun! I don’t even get paid for it! I do this because this excites my heart and makes me feel like me. This calling fills my soul, gives me confidence and makes me feel like I can tackle anything.

I challenge you to look at your talents and your fears, write them down and pray that God will help you discover your calling. God has a plan for you, He loves you and made you for a greater purpose! But a word to the wise, don’t get impatient. “Make the most of where are right now. Learn. Grow. Develop who and what you are,” Ruth Soukup, Living Well Spending Less, 2014. Remember what you are going through now, is preparing you for your purpose!

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